The great debate: to change or not to change your name after marriage

There’s this silly thing my friends and I used to do as teens: we’d pair up our names with the surnames of the boys we had crushes on at the time and judge the suitability of the match based on whether or not they sounded good together.

It was really all innocent fun and made for some good giggles. But, on a deeper level, it also revealed how ingrained the idea of taking your husband’s surname is in our culture. For all intents and purposes, laying down an integral part of your own identity to take on an equally integral part of someone else’s.   

Well into my twenties, it was practically a no-brainer: one day I’d get married, and my name would change. To me, there was, in fact, something deeply romantic about the concept.

Now, at the ripe and jaded old age of 34, on the eve of my wedding, my sentiments around this topic have changed radically. What once seemed obvious and romantic, now seems like a rather big and, frankly, one-sided expectation.   

In short: the idea of changing my surname at this stage of my existence just doesn’t sit right with me.

For almost 35 years, my name has served me well. It’s seen me through good and bad – it’s been printed in fancy fonts on degree certificates and scrawled in haste on scraps of paper while exchanging insurance details along the road after minor car accidents. Professionally, it’s been my by-line for 10 years now as well as the URL under which I’ve been compiling my portfolio.

After all this, it just seems like a big deal to suddenly chop off half and stick something else in its place.

Pros and cons

Of course, this is a purely emotional response and one my fiancé and I have spent a good few hours deliberating over.

Since having children is part of our future plan, there are (possibly) more people to consider than only him and I. If I keep my maiden name, I wouldn’t share a surname with my kids, which could lead to confusion and all sorts of administrative nightmares. Especially when travelling, which we hope to do quite a bit of too.

So, at this stage, double barrelling seems to be my only real choice. Which, of course, will just bring the administrative nightmare forward a few years, as I’ll have to apply for a new ID, passport and update my personal details all over the show.

It really is quite the dilemma!

Other parts of the world

And one I’ve found not that many women around the world share with us here in South Africa.

According to a 2015 article in TIME, there are several places around the world where legislation informed by principles of gender equality actually forbid women to take their husband’s surnames. These include Greece and the Canadian province of Quebec.

In places like the Netherlands, Belgium and France, your surname does not legally change after marriage, but you are allowed to adopt your spouse’s surname informally for social and colloquial purposes.

Although there is no law against taking your husband’s surname in Malaysia and Korea, it’s a relatively foreign concept, as women tend to keep their maiden names. Similarly, throughout the Spanish-speaking world, women keep the surname they were born with and children are given both their mother and father’s surname at birth. The choice of whose goes first is entirely up to the individual couples.

Local opinion

In an effort to gain some understanding of the general feeling among South African women around keeping or changing your surname, we asked our followers on Merwe Wed to share their opinions with us.

We asked four questions in our stories and got interesting and varied responses. Here they are (names haven’t been included for privacy reasons):

Did you keep your surname after getting married?

“Yes. But I think it’s easier if you change it for logistical reasons. For emotional reasons, I wouldn’t.”

“Yes, because my surname is part of me and who I have been for the past years.”

“No, I don’t have any special connection with my maiden name.”

“Nope. My new surname was shorter to write.”

“Yes and no… we both took each other’s surname, creating a new surname.”

“I’m not married. I have a boyfriend and we have spoken about this. I insisted that I will keep my surname – I did not ask if it’s okay with him. I just don’t think it’s something I feel the need to compromise… I know it will not have a negative impact on my relationship and I’m not willing to go through an identity crisis (accidentally filling out a form with your old maiden surname) for a few months as well as the tedious process of changing alllll my paperwork I’ve built up throughout my life.”

Did you double-barrel your surname after getting married?

“This is a good option, but mine would be painfully long.”

“Yes, to keep my own identity and add a new one.”

“Yes, we both felt that our surnames are part of who we are and where we are from.”

“Yes, because I like my surname but I also wanted to have the same surname as my babies.”

Did you take your spouse’s surname after getting married?

“Yes, it just felt natural to me and I liked his surname.”

“Yes, I want to have the same name as my kids and I am not a fan of double barrelling.”

“He has a fun surname. Plus, no woman truly has her own surname – always comes from a man.”

Did you make up a whole new surname?

One of our followers said that she and her husband double barrelled their surnames together and now both go by this new moniker.

Another one said that she stuck to her maiden name, but that she and her husband would actually like to make up a new one together. They just haven’t had time to do so yet!

What are your thoughts on this topic? Or any insights gained from personal experience? We’d love to hear!

Written by Nadia Krige